Creepy crawly little creature that keeps me from using the bathrooms at work

Disclaimer: This is based on a true experience, while it may be entertaining i have a serious dislike (bordering on hate) for the things in the book. So much so that the following will be enforced for this post my dear children: 1. there will be no images of THEM 2. that may be one of the most traumatizing things ive ever read... and i'm a women and gender studies student... we read problematic and traumatizing shit all the time.
anyways, enjoy.

I see you there pretending to be all innocent and non-threatening but I know that isn’t the case.
See while I may be at least 50 times bigger than you
(depending on the species) let’s be honest for a moment little devil  thing
I don’t mess with anything that crawls and hides in the dark or that is big enough to eat my leg of
and you never die…
Ever.
What’s that?
That’s not true you say.
 People step on you all the time you say…
well… have you seen you?
Like really taken a good look in the mirror
and no I’m not talking about those lazy constitutionals you take when no one else is around
no I am saying really take a look…
now I’m not one to enforce societal beauty standards
but you are hideous.
If I was sure that you had feelings then I am at this point most certain that they are hurt
 but since I am sure that you don’t (seeing as you fail to take mine into consideration as I stand here dancing in place thinking of my next move) I have no problem saying these words to you.
no spawn of Satan the only thing that will outlive you is a Twinkie
and even that is relatively questionable
But for now my bladder is screaming at me in desperation
and my home is a thirty minute drive from this hell which I call work so this time you win.
I will run away or dance for that matter
I will cringe at the sight of you
and I will promise myself that next time my resolve will win out
that next time your existence will not matter because I will stand up to you….
Right after I call the orkin man